Tag Archives: vampires do not fucking sparkle

Reverse poseur

Everyone has run across the type of person who pretends to have seen a movie or read a book or heard an album that they have not spent two seconds with.  Let’s be honest here – sometimes we are that person.  In the 80s we (meaning Anglophile girls who love Brits with mullets) would call that person a poseur.

However, I hold a certain pride in the opposite position.  I like to openly admit that I haven’t seen important pop culture touchstones.  I love telling people that I haven’t seen these movies or TV shows on purpose.  They are usually shocked, stunned and amazed at my restraint.  To be honest, I really have no desire to see any of these things.  I’m very contrarian and I like being that way.

I do have a friend who hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies, but she has seen Spaceballs.  When I heard that, I was pretty weirded out until I realized she was only doing my favorite thing in the world – shocking people with her pop culture ignorance.  If she’s anything like me, she’s secretly proud of the reaction she gets from people when she tells them she hasn’t seen the Star Wars movies.  And just think, this means that George Lucas never raped her childhood!  (I envy her.)

Here is a list of the movies and TV shows that I have never seen, and never will see, and enjoy telling people I have never seen:

1. Titanic – I have a tendency to cry at movies.  Sometimes it’s better for me to wait and watch a movie at home where I can cry until snot runs out of my nose and no one will see me and/or point and laugh.  I’m sure if I saw this movie, I would cry that hard, and I really have no idea why I would want to put myself through that.  Look, we all know the story, and the whole “I’m king of the world!” bit, and the necklace.  Isn’t that all I need to know?  Why do I need to watch an entire ship full of people drown in icy water?

2. Jurassic Park – Little kids love dinosaurs.  If I had been a little kid when the movie came out, I would have been excited.  (I guess.)  I don’t think I was a dinosaur-phile, actually.  The only reason I might want to see it is because Jeff Goldblum is in it, and I think he’s a long tall glass of sexy nerd-water.

3. Dancing With The Stars – I learned from American Idol that talent shows are rigged and I’m sure this one is no exception.  I have watched a few clips of it, but I have never sat and watched an entire episode.  The winner is always the former athlete and/or former professional dancer.  There’s no reason to obsess over it and theorize over it and make conspiracy theories over it, and that’s what the fun of these talent competitions is for me.

4. Law & Order (in every permutation) – This is the type of show that my mother would watch.  Therefore, I have avoided it for half of my life.  Apparently this show has been on for twenty years?  I really have never heard about it until a few years ago.  I know I’m missing out on a lot of sexy dudes and weird serial killers and 90’s fashions, but I figure, why start watching it now?  I’m way too far behind.

5. CSI (in every permutation) – Gore really makes me uncomfortable.  I watch House and have to close my eyes during most of it.  I also enjoy going to a hotel without having to bring a black light along to look for cum stains.  I’d rather not know what might be going on.  I have enough problems in my life.

Honorable mention – I have to put The Simpsons on this list, although I have seen a handful of episodes.  When that show premiered, I worked at night and I never had a chance to watch it.  By the time I had a regular schedule, it had been on for so many years I felt like I was way behind.  Now it’s been on for so long, there seems no point in starting to watch it now.  I have Googled most of the pop culture references such as I, for one, welcome our robot overlords so I can figure out what’s going on if people talk about it.  I wish that someone would just make a Best of Simpsons DVD so I could consume it in an unhealthy binge weekend.

Although I have never spent any time watching these worthy shows and movies, I did read the entire Twilight series just so that I could intelligently make fun of it and argue about how shitty it is.  (I think I’ve already made the intelligently/Twilight oxymoron joke so I’ll give it a rest.)

I think I need to get my priorities straight.

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Kristen Stewart confirmed to desecrate the part of Snow White

Okay, you guys already know that I despise Twilight.  Not only the books, but the movies, of which I have seen one.  I almost walked out of it when Kristen Stewart spent five minutes Googling vampires.   In retrospect, I should have walked out then and there because the entire movie was a waste of my time, and I was only watching for the lulz, of which there were few.

Kristen Stewart is unable to portray any emotions other than angsty teenager.  Even in real life, she constantly wears a dour, sullen expression on her face.  She has the emotional depth of a Q-Tip. And this talentless, incapable actress is given the part of Snow White? I mean, I totally understand why…she is enormously popular with that desirable youth demographic. I suppose she’d make a fantastic Snow White, if Snow White was an emotionless, soulless robot.

I’m sorry, but I will not be watching these movies. If it had any other actress besides her, I’d be very excited to see them. I also know that my opinion matters not a bit to either advertisers or the world at large. Still, it’s my opinion and I am going to spout it here.

Snow White has been my favorite fairy tale since I was a child, and of course, she’s my favorite Disney Princess. I really am a huge Disney fan, and she was the only dark-haired princess for years and years. I suppose purists could argue that Disney also destroyed the true legend of Snow White by sanitizing the story, but it’s all nostalgia for me so I love it anyway.

Basically, what this post boils down to is: I AM DISPLEASED.

Welcome to the Netflix Instant pick!

If you’re the type of person who likes to stay at home on the weekend, like me, then right about now is the time where you’re trying to decide what movie to watch.  One of the regular features here will be a Netflix Instant recommendation.

This week’s pick is Suck.  Which doesn’t!

Yes, it’s another vampire movie, but it’s NOTHING LIKE TWILIGHT!!  This is because it actually has a plot, characters that you will actually like, and vampires who don’t sparkle!  Because VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE, GODDAMIT.  You know who sparkles?  Glitter kids at an Ecstasy rave (if that is still a thing)!

The movie is about a band that will do anything to find success.  Their bass player is bitten by a vampire and suddenly they are on the road to fame.  You might recognize the bass player because she and her overbite are also appearing on Mad Men as Megan, the future ex-Mrs. Don Draper.  She’s perfectly cast as a vampire since there’s no escaping those choppers.

Who else is in this movie, you may be wondering.  Well, let me just drop some names such as Malcolm Fucking McDowell as Eddie Van Helsing, Dave Foley as the band manager, Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, Henry Rollins, Moby, Alex Lifeson ETC. ETC.!  Yes, Alex Lifeson from Rush is in this movie, which proves to you that this movie was made in Canada, eh?

What I really liked about this movie is that it didn’t take itself too seriously.  It’s campy, but not too campy.  There are a lot of visual jokes that you will see if you watch carefully.  I particularly enjoyed the Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA tribute.

There is a lot of music in the movie too, and it’s actually good.  I am going to try and find the soundtrack.  I think that the soundtrack could be on the level of The Lost Boys soundtrack.

I’m not sure how this movie escaped my attention until today, it’s pretty sad that it got overlooked somehow.

Another pop culture blog? No, this is Inflammatory Remarks!

I know, I know…who needs another blog about pop culture, media and general nerdery? Eh well, one more won’t hurt, right?

I am known to my friends as someone who speaks her mind.  I am the type of person who either really likes something or really hates it.  Even if I really hate something, that doesn’t mean I won’t waste my time consuming it.  (Case in point – I read all four of the “Twilight” books just so that I could argue intelligently with those who love them.  And yes, I know the word “intelligently” is not applicable in this scenario.)

I’ve been online since 1994, and I have had many opportunities to stick my foot in my mouth.  In fact, I am rather good at making people wish they had never met me, and very good at creating enemies.  How does this happen?  Why, I just state my opinion!  Didn’t you know that if you hold an opinion that is different from you friend’s, you are allowed to cite Godwin’s Law and flounce?

Here’s a few of the opinions that have led to bannings/enemies for life:

– NaNoWriMo is an exercise in futility

– “Twilight” is a poorly written crapfest

– Steven Page is a better singer than Ed Robertson (of Barenaked Ladies)

– Elijah Wood is a douchebag hipster

– Sarah Palin makes inflammatory remarks (see what I did there?)

Now, you may agree or disagree with me but I think you’ll be interested in what I have to say.

I’ll give you a teeny bit of background about me so you know where I’m coming from.  I grew up in Phoenix, AZ.  Since I was not an outdoorsy type of kid, I spent my childhood and teen years as a shut-in, either reading books, watching TV or listening to music.

My biggest pop culture influences are:

– Barry Manilow (DON’T JUDGE ME!  He writes the motherfucking songs, dammit!)

– Duran Duran (I am actually writing a book about my adventures as a Duran Duran fan and hanger-on)

– Pioneer porn such as Little House on the Prairie and the Betsy-Tacy books

– Disneyland

– The Kids in the Hall (esp. Dave Foley)

– Lord of the Rings (and an unhealthy obsession with Elijah Wood that led to ruination in my life)

And of course, The Beatles.  If you say you weren’t influenced by The Beatles, you are a liar.  Even if you hate them, it influenced you in some way.

I hope you’ll join me on my adventures!  I will post about what I like, what I hate, what I’m doing.  My new hometown is Austin, Texas, and there is a lot going on here.

Oh and if you haven’t figured it out yet, I love parentheticals.  DEAL WITH IT.