Tag Archives: humor

Reverse poseur

Everyone has run across the type of person who pretends to have seen a movie or read a book or heard an album that they have not spent two seconds with.  Let’s be honest here – sometimes we are that person.  In the 80s we (meaning Anglophile girls who love Brits with mullets) would call that person a poseur.

However, I hold a certain pride in the opposite position.  I like to openly admit that I haven’t seen important pop culture touchstones.  I love telling people that I haven’t seen these movies or TV shows on purpose.  They are usually shocked, stunned and amazed at my restraint.  To be honest, I really have no desire to see any of these things.  I’m very contrarian and I like being that way.

I do have a friend who hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies, but she has seen Spaceballs.  When I heard that, I was pretty weirded out until I realized she was only doing my favorite thing in the world – shocking people with her pop culture ignorance.  If she’s anything like me, she’s secretly proud of the reaction she gets from people when she tells them she hasn’t seen the Star Wars movies.  And just think, this means that George Lucas never raped her childhood!  (I envy her.)

Here is a list of the movies and TV shows that I have never seen, and never will see, and enjoy telling people I have never seen:

1. Titanic – I have a tendency to cry at movies.  Sometimes it’s better for me to wait and watch a movie at home where I can cry until snot runs out of my nose and no one will see me and/or point and laugh.  I’m sure if I saw this movie, I would cry that hard, and I really have no idea why I would want to put myself through that.  Look, we all know the story, and the whole “I’m king of the world!” bit, and the necklace.  Isn’t that all I need to know?  Why do I need to watch an entire ship full of people drown in icy water?

2. Jurassic Park – Little kids love dinosaurs.  If I had been a little kid when the movie came out, I would have been excited.  (I guess.)  I don’t think I was a dinosaur-phile, actually.  The only reason I might want to see it is because Jeff Goldblum is in it, and I think he’s a long tall glass of sexy nerd-water.

3. Dancing With The Stars – I learned from American Idol that talent shows are rigged and I’m sure this one is no exception.  I have watched a few clips of it, but I have never sat and watched an entire episode.  The winner is always the former athlete and/or former professional dancer.  There’s no reason to obsess over it and theorize over it and make conspiracy theories over it, and that’s what the fun of these talent competitions is for me.

4. Law & Order (in every permutation) – This is the type of show that my mother would watch.  Therefore, I have avoided it for half of my life.  Apparently this show has been on for twenty years?  I really have never heard about it until a few years ago.  I know I’m missing out on a lot of sexy dudes and weird serial killers and 90’s fashions, but I figure, why start watching it now?  I’m way too far behind.

5. CSI (in every permutation) – Gore really makes me uncomfortable.  I watch House and have to close my eyes during most of it.  I also enjoy going to a hotel without having to bring a black light along to look for cum stains.  I’d rather not know what might be going on.  I have enough problems in my life.

Honorable mention – I have to put The Simpsons on this list, although I have seen a handful of episodes.  When that show premiered, I worked at night and I never had a chance to watch it.  By the time I had a regular schedule, it had been on for so many years I felt like I was way behind.  Now it’s been on for so long, there seems no point in starting to watch it now.  I have Googled most of the pop culture references such as I, for one, welcome our robot overlords so I can figure out what’s going on if people talk about it.  I wish that someone would just make a Best of Simpsons DVD so I could consume it in an unhealthy binge weekend.

Although I have never spent any time watching these worthy shows and movies, I did read the entire Twilight series just so that I could intelligently make fun of it and argue about how shitty it is.  (I think I’ve already made the intelligently/Twilight oxymoron joke so I’ll give it a rest.)

I think I need to get my priorities straight.


Songs I awkwardly slow-danced to in the 80’s

It's a Dorothy Hamill haircut, right?

I had an extremely awkward phase from approximately the age of 9 through…*checks watch*…yeah, it’s still happening. If you watch 30 Rock, then you can pretty much imagine me at 9 years old to be exactly like Liz Lemon in this clip that won’t embed. We even had the same haircut (a Pete Rose, but everyone thought it was a Dorothy Hamill.) Another thing I have in common with Liz Lemon – I was a D&D Dungeon Master.

I looked like this until I was 16.

Knowing this about me, you may wonder how anyone actually asked me to slow dance. My very first boyfriend (he wasn’t my boyfriend) was a guy who asked me to dance at a party so that his girlfriend would be jealous, because they were arguing. I thought he was my boyfriend for a week because he called me on the phone once. Then, years later, my actual REAL first boyfriend would leave me for a guy.

Oh, and my Senior Prom date?  Yeah, he came out of the closet two years later. (I was a total fruit fly.)

Since everyone I know loves listicles, I will now list out the songs that I awkwardly slow-danced to with boys who were either dating other girls, or dreaming about other boys:

1. Heaven – Bryan Adams (with D., the boy trying to make his girlfriend S. jealous. It totally worked…)

2. Waiting for a Girl Like You – Foreigner (with my church crush, S. I think I asked him to dance. We ended up having SUPREMELY AWKWARD makeout session at a high school reunion party 6 years later. Everyone knew we had messed around because I had my Cure tee shirt on inside out.)

3. Saving All My Love for You – Whitney Houston (with a boy who had a crush on ME…he was kind of a dweeb so I didn’t like him back. I’m sure he’s a multi-millionaire living in Bel Air now.)

4. Superheroes – Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack – (with my first boyfriend, R. He was Riff Raff and I was Magenta in some poorly done stage show. He left me for Frank N Furter. Can you blame him?)

5. Mad About You – Belinda Carlisle (with the aforementioned Prom date who turned out to be gay. I made out with him drunkenly in a hotel room at a party after the dance. I should have realized it then.)

I have retired from slow-dancing. I think it will make the world a better place.

In which I apologize to fellow concert-goers

My lovely friend K. sent me a bootleg of a Martin Gore concert I attended on May 7, 2003.  I was watching it and feeling so absolutely full of adoration for Mr. Martin Lee Gore, but something was ruining the atmosphere.  That something was my own shrieks and screams.  I know it was me because I was the only person screaming as if being chased around the kitchen with a butcher knife, which was my go-to concert scream.  I sounded like I was being waterboarded, or worse.  And now, eleven years later, I would like to tell myself to shut the fuck up!

This revelation has led to a public apology.  Since 1985, I have attended hundreds of concerts.  During most of them, I probably did something incredibly annoying.  A few incidents stand out as the most cringe-worthy, and the most in need of a public apology:

1.  I would like to apologize for collapsing and vomiting all over myself during the July 1985 Power Station concert.  I had heat stroke, and if puke got on your shoes, I am very sorry.

2.  Beastie Boys, please accept my apology for participating in the violent booing which caused you to leave the stage when you opened for Madonna in 1985.

3.  Whoever sat near me during the a-ha concert in 1986, I apologize for screaming hysterically that I could see Pal Waaktaar’s kneecaps through the holes in his jeans.

4.  Nick Rhodes should apologize for wearing a half-shirt that led me to faint when I saw his treasure trail in 1987.

5.  Daniel Ash, I’m sorry that I tried to climb up on stage and molest you during a 1988 Love & Rockets show.  You did step on my hand, so that makes us even.

6.  Morrissey, I apologize for screaming “take it off” when you started unbuttoning your shirt at a show in 1993.

7.  Everyone who sat near me during the 1997 Duran Duran winter tour, I sincerely apologize for the bloodcurdling screams that erupted from me whenever Nick Rhodes did his spoken word bit for “Medazzaland”.  I’m especially sorry to the gentleman who was sitting by me in San Diego who asked me to be quiet.  I yelled at him, “LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT MOTHERFUCKER!”  I am surprised I have never been beaten down at a Duran Duran show (at least on that tour).  I also want to apologize to my friend H. for bruising his shoulders when I squeezed them really hard during the spoken word bit (again) in LA.

8.  I’m particularly sorry for being the person at shows that sings along really loudly, to the point where others stare.  I’m remembering a Tears For Fears show in which I sang “Woman In Chains” at a volume rivaled only by fighter jets.  Sorry, dude who stared me down.

9.  I apologize for being the shithead who was constantly taking crappy pictures with a crappy camera at every concert I attended in the early to mid-2000’s.  I was trying to get a good shot for an earlier blog, and I utterly failed on every count.  I only succeeded in being that douchebag who takes pictures and gets in the way.

10.  I do NOT apologize for being the person who stands up and dances during concerts, because that is why people go to concerts.  Don’t tell me to sit down, why don’t you stand the fuck up instead?

Ah, I do feel better.  That was cleansing.