Everyone has run across the type of person who pretends to have seen a movie or read a book or heard an album that they have not spent two seconds with. Let’s be honest here – sometimes we are that person. In the 80s we (meaning Anglophile girls who love Brits with mullets) would call that person a poseur.
However, I hold a certain pride in the opposite position. I like to openly admit that I haven’t seen important pop culture touchstones. I love telling people that I haven’t seen these movies or TV shows on purpose. They are usually shocked, stunned and amazed at my restraint. To be honest, I really have no desire to see any of these things. I’m very contrarian and I like being that way.
I do have a friend who hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies, but she has seen Spaceballs. When I heard that, I was pretty weirded out until I realized she was only doing my favorite thing in the world – shocking people with her pop culture ignorance. If she’s anything like me, she’s secretly proud of the reaction she gets from people when she tells them she hasn’t seen the Star Wars movies. And just think, this means that George Lucas never raped her childhood! (I envy her.)
Here is a list of the movies and TV shows that I have never seen, and never will see, and enjoy telling people I have never seen:
1. Titanic – I have a tendency to cry at movies. Sometimes it’s better for me to wait and watch a movie at home where I can cry until snot runs out of my nose and no one will see me and/or point and laugh. I’m sure if I saw this movie, I would cry that hard, and I really have no idea why I would want to put myself through that. Look, we all know the story, and the whole “I’m king of the world!” bit, and the necklace. Isn’t that all I need to know? Why do I need to watch an entire ship full of people drown in icy water?
2. Jurassic Park – Little kids love dinosaurs. If I had been a little kid when the movie came out, I would have been excited. (I guess.) I don’t think I was a dinosaur-phile, actually. The only reason I might want to see it is because Jeff Goldblum is in it, and I think he’s a long tall glass of sexy nerd-water.
3. Dancing With The Stars – I learned from American Idol that talent shows are rigged and I’m sure this one is no exception. I have watched a few clips of it, but I have never sat and watched an entire episode. The winner is always the former athlete and/or former professional dancer. There’s no reason to obsess over it and theorize over it and make conspiracy theories over it, and that’s what the fun of these talent competitions is for me.
4. Law & Order (in every permutation) – This is the type of show that my mother would watch. Therefore, I have avoided it for half of my life. Apparently this show has been on for twenty years? I really have never heard about it until a few years ago. I know I’m missing out on a lot of sexy dudes and weird serial killers and 90’s fashions, but I figure, why start watching it now? I’m way too far behind.
5. CSI (in every permutation) – Gore really makes me uncomfortable. I watch House and have to close my eyes during most of it. I also enjoy going to a hotel without having to bring a black light along to look for cum stains. I’d rather not know what might be going on. I have enough problems in my life.
Honorable mention – I have to put The Simpsons on this list, although I have seen a handful of episodes. When that show premiered, I worked at night and I never had a chance to watch it. By the time I had a regular schedule, it had been on for so many years I felt like I was way behind. Now it’s been on for so long, there seems no point in starting to watch it now. I have Googled most of the pop culture references such as I, for one, welcome our robot overlords so I can figure out what’s going on if people talk about it. I wish that someone would just make a Best of Simpsons DVD so I could consume it in an unhealthy binge weekend.
Although I have never spent any time watching these worthy shows and movies, I did read the entire Twilight series just so that I could intelligently make fun of it and argue about how shitty it is. (I think I’ve already made the intelligently/Twilight oxymoron joke so I’ll give it a rest.)
I think I need to get my priorities straight.