Tag Archives: don’t fucking tell me what to do

Reverse poseur

Everyone has run across the type of person who pretends to have seen a movie or read a book or heard an album that they have not spent two seconds with.  Let’s be honest here – sometimes we are that person.  In the 80s we (meaning Anglophile girls who love Brits with mullets) would call that person a poseur.

However, I hold a certain pride in the opposite position.  I like to openly admit that I haven’t seen important pop culture touchstones.  I love telling people that I haven’t seen these movies or TV shows on purpose.  They are usually shocked, stunned and amazed at my restraint.  To be honest, I really have no desire to see any of these things.  I’m very contrarian and I like being that way.

I do have a friend who hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies, but she has seen Spaceballs.  When I heard that, I was pretty weirded out until I realized she was only doing my favorite thing in the world – shocking people with her pop culture ignorance.  If she’s anything like me, she’s secretly proud of the reaction she gets from people when she tells them she hasn’t seen the Star Wars movies.  And just think, this means that George Lucas never raped her childhood!  (I envy her.)

Here is a list of the movies and TV shows that I have never seen, and never will see, and enjoy telling people I have never seen:

1. Titanic – I have a tendency to cry at movies.  Sometimes it’s better for me to wait and watch a movie at home where I can cry until snot runs out of my nose and no one will see me and/or point and laugh.  I’m sure if I saw this movie, I would cry that hard, and I really have no idea why I would want to put myself through that.  Look, we all know the story, and the whole “I’m king of the world!” bit, and the necklace.  Isn’t that all I need to know?  Why do I need to watch an entire ship full of people drown in icy water?

2. Jurassic Park – Little kids love dinosaurs.  If I had been a little kid when the movie came out, I would have been excited.  (I guess.)  I don’t think I was a dinosaur-phile, actually.  The only reason I might want to see it is because Jeff Goldblum is in it, and I think he’s a long tall glass of sexy nerd-water.

3. Dancing With The Stars – I learned from American Idol that talent shows are rigged and I’m sure this one is no exception.  I have watched a few clips of it, but I have never sat and watched an entire episode.  The winner is always the former athlete and/or former professional dancer.  There’s no reason to obsess over it and theorize over it and make conspiracy theories over it, and that’s what the fun of these talent competitions is for me.

4. Law & Order (in every permutation) – This is the type of show that my mother would watch.  Therefore, I have avoided it for half of my life.  Apparently this show has been on for twenty years?  I really have never heard about it until a few years ago.  I know I’m missing out on a lot of sexy dudes and weird serial killers and 90’s fashions, but I figure, why start watching it now?  I’m way too far behind.

5. CSI (in every permutation) – Gore really makes me uncomfortable.  I watch House and have to close my eyes during most of it.  I also enjoy going to a hotel without having to bring a black light along to look for cum stains.  I’d rather not know what might be going on.  I have enough problems in my life.

Honorable mention – I have to put The Simpsons on this list, although I have seen a handful of episodes.  When that show premiered, I worked at night and I never had a chance to watch it.  By the time I had a regular schedule, it had been on for so many years I felt like I was way behind.  Now it’s been on for so long, there seems no point in starting to watch it now.  I have Googled most of the pop culture references such as I, for one, welcome our robot overlords so I can figure out what’s going on if people talk about it.  I wish that someone would just make a Best of Simpsons DVD so I could consume it in an unhealthy binge weekend.

Although I have never spent any time watching these worthy shows and movies, I did read the entire Twilight series just so that I could intelligently make fun of it and argue about how shitty it is.  (I think I’ve already made the intelligently/Twilight oxymoron joke so I’ll give it a rest.)

I think I need to get my priorities straight.

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The politics of periods

Warning:  Most men will think this is the scariest/grossest post ever so just don’t even bother trying to read it.

No, this post isn’t about punctuation, it’s about…menstruation!  Let’s all try to be like Dave Foley, and have a good attitude towards menstruation, shall we?

Oh if only there was a Dave Foley for every woman.  We wouldn’t have to feel so self-conscious about shedding a few blood cells, am I right?  Hey guys – newsflash – a period does not consist of a clear blue liquid splashing onto a sanitized white cloth.  It’s a messy, disgusting, bloody, smelly and horrible rite of passage that women go through every month for decades.

My mom was lucky.  She had a hysterectomy at 35, and never had to worry about it again.  I remember when I was little, I found a box of OB Tampons in her bathroom and didn’t really know what they were at the time.  Later on I figured it out.

Now, there are three kinds of girls in this world…girls who refuse to use tampons and only use pads, girls who require applicators with their tampons, and girls who either use applicator-free tampons or the Diva Cup.  (Oh, and you girls who use the shots or those pills that let you skip periods?  UNFAIR!)

I was afraid to try tampons for a long time because I was a good little Catholic girl and didn’t want to put anything where the blessed babies were supposed to come from.  Then I realized that I didn’t want babies anyway, and I got tired of wearing pads and feeling like I was wearing a diaper.  Plus, when you stand up and everything sort of gushes out onto the pad in a warm puddle, it’s the most unclean feeling in the world.  

Nowadays, people are trying to be more environmentally conscious.  I recycle as much as I can, and encourage others to do so.  I’m also one of those people who boycott companies for political reasons.  For instance, I didn’t drink Coke from 1987 until Nelson Mandela was freed because Coke sold its products in South Africa, and sponsored apartheid!  (Imagine Bono saying that previous sentence…)

I still boycott companies.  I haven’t shopped at Target or eaten at Chik-Fil-A for months, ever since I found out that both of these companies donated funds to anti-gay-rights organizations.

As sanctimonious as I am, I do draw the line somewhere.  You won’t see me posting about how people should stop body snarking at jezebel.com.  In fact, I try to avoid jezebel.com.  The people at jezebel.com are exactly the type of people who try to get everyone to use the Diva Cup.

Anytime someone on the internet complains about their period, or about having to use pads or tampons, inevitably someone will chime in and start preaching about the everloving Diva Cup, and how magical and wonderful it is.  I know someone who uses the Diva Cup, and I want to preface the following rant by saying that I love you and accept you as a person who uses the Diva Cup, and I hope you won’t be offended by this post.

Look, here’s the problem with the Diva Cup.  I know that applicators contribute to landfills and can’t be recycled, and that the plastic ones aren’t biodegradable.  But you know what?  If I use a tampon, I don’t have to root around in my bleeding vagina to properly insert a Diva Cup, and tilt it at the proper angle.  If I throw away an applicator, this also means I don’t have to surreptitiously remove my Diva Cup, rinse it in the bathroom sink while I bleed into some toilet paper stuffed in my pants, and quickly run back to the stall to root around in my bloody vagina and reinsert it.  Instead of bending over and realizing that I didn’t insert the stupid thing properly and ruining my clothes, I can strut around in comfort knowing that my bleached cotton tampon will take care of bidness as it has for years.

I was looking at the Diva Cup website, and it said that if someone is having problems with the cup falling out, it might be because their muscles are too weak.  The website recommends kegels to solve the problem.  So basically, instead of saying that their product is poorly designed, they are telling women they have a flabby vagina!  Isn’t that body snarking, Jezebels?

Those of you who like the Diva Cup, go ahead and use it.  Just stop trying to shove it down my throat.  (Oh dear, that doesn’t really sound right does it?)  If I want to use it, I will use it.  If I want to make my own laundry soap, I will.  If I want to wear hemp sandals, I will.  However, the likelihood of me actually doing any of those things is nil.

I will compensate for the wastefulness of applicators by being vigilant about recycling, avoiding bottled water (using my reusable bottle at work), and other such noble acts.  It all evens out in the end, right?

It’s too bad that women don’t automatically get days off during their period.  How awesome would that be?  I would love to get a week off, paid, every month, even if it meant I had to isolate myself and bleed in the woods for a week.  (I could still bring my computer, right?)

Konichiwa, bitches!

Last night I went to see Robyn perform at the new Austin City Limits venue, the Moody Theater.

Here’s a clip of one of her songs, in case you don’t know who the hell I am talking about:

For some reason, Robyn is not well known in America at all. If you are wondering what she sounds like, I guess you could call her the Swedish Lady Gaga, minus the performance art. Robyn’s songs are pure dancepop, fun, and a little bit naughty. She’s just naughty and cutting edge enough to be adored by the hipster set. Believe me, the place was crawling with hipsters in their little pashmina scarves, funny haircuts and toting their iPhones.

I’d also like to discuss the venue, since it is  brand-spankin’ new, and will be the new home of the TV show Austin City Limits.  Not every concert performed there will be filmed for the show.  A lot of people in the audience thought that Robyn’s set was going to be on TV, but it won’t be.  (Sadly) 

Anyway, from the outside, the building just looks like a big, boring block of painted concrete, right next door to the W Hotel.  Once you walk up the stairs to the entrance and go inside, it is fabulous.  There is a lounge area at the entrance which is on a balcony, and it has a nice view of downtown (and probably the lake, in the daytime).  There are plenty of restrooms and bars, so there is never a long wait. 

I was seated in the balcony, so I had to climb several flights of stairs.  There is another lounge area, with couches, chairs and tables, and more bars at the balcony level.  It’s really comfortable and roomy. 

Even though I was seated in the balcony, I still had a great view.  Apparently, the worst seat in the house is only 75 feet from the stage.  You can still see the performer’s face and you don’t feel like you’re watching from a blimp.  The place seats about 2500 people so it isn’t too huge, it still has an intimate feel to it.

Of course, the real test came once Robyn hit the stage.  From the minute she appeared until the end of the show a couple of hours later, she was a ball of energy.  Constantly moving, dancing, and making sure everyone had a great time.  I was really impressed by her.  I also loved that her band were all dressed like mad scientists. 

Once the show started, I was up on my feet dancing.  What else would you do at a Robyn show?  The lady a few rows behind me had another idea.  She thought it would be really fun to bellow at people to sit down for the first half hour of the show.  She sounded like a constipated cow.  Finally, I turned around and suggested that she stand up.  Right after I said that, Robyn played Don’t Fucking Tell Me What To Do, which seemed very appropriate to my situation. 

Pretty soon everyone was up and dancing, even the boys sitting next to me who gave off too-cool-for-the-room vibes when they arrived.  By the end of the show, they were dancing, singing along, and basically losing their shit.  Such is the power of Robyn.

The weirdest thing that happened was that Robyn ate two bananas on stage while she was performing.  I was wondering if maybe she is hypogylcemic, or maybe she just thought it would be funny.  The second time she did it, she threw the peel out into the crowd. 

It was so much fun to be in a room full of people who really loved the music, who were singing and dancing, and having a good time.  Usually in Austin, I have found the audience to be more aloof because…yeah, hipsters…I will stop using that word in this post now.

Here is the set list.  I got this off of a Google search but it seems right to me.  I was too busy enjoying the show to write down the songs.  Sorry if that makes me a bad blogger!

1.”Time Machine”
2.”Fembot”
3.”Cobrastyle”
4.”Call Your Girlfriend”
5.”Get Myself Together”
6.”Dancehall Queen”
7.”Dancing on My Own”
8.Medley: “We Dance to the Beat” / “Don’t Fucking Tell Me What to Do”
9.”Love Kills”
10.”Indestructible
11.”Stars 4-Ever”
12.”With Every Heartbeat”
Encore 1:
13.”You Should Know Better”
14.”Konichiwa Bitches”
15.”Be Mine!”

Encore 2:
16.”Hang With Me”
17.”Dancing Queen/Show Me Love”