My lovely friend K. sent me a bootleg of a Martin Gore concert I attended on May 7, 2003. I was watching it and feeling so absolutely full of adoration for Mr. Martin Lee Gore, but something was ruining the atmosphere. That something was my own shrieks and screams. I know it was me because I was the only person screaming as if being chased around the kitchen with a butcher knife, which was my go-to concert scream. I sounded like I was being waterboarded, or worse. And now, eleven years later, I would like to tell myself to shut the fuck up!
This revelation has led to a public apology. Since 1985, I have attended hundreds of concerts. During most of them, I probably did something incredibly annoying. A few incidents stand out as the most cringe-worthy, and the most in need of a public apology:
1. I would like to apologize for collapsing and vomiting all over myself during the July 1985 Power Station concert. I had heat stroke, and if puke got on your shoes, I am very sorry.
2. Beastie Boys, please accept my apology for participating in the violent booing which caused you to leave the stage when you opened for Madonna in 1985.
3. Whoever sat near me during the a-ha concert in 1986, I apologize for screaming hysterically that I could see Pal Waaktaar’s kneecaps through the holes in his jeans.
4. Nick Rhodes should apologize for wearing a half-shirt that led me to faint when I saw his treasure trail in 1987.
5. Daniel Ash, I’m sorry that I tried to climb up on stage and molest you during a 1988 Love & Rockets show. You did step on my hand, so that makes us even.
6. Morrissey, I apologize for screaming “take it off” when you started unbuttoning your shirt at a show in 1993.
7. Everyone who sat near me during the 1997 Duran Duran winter tour, I sincerely apologize for the bloodcurdling screams that erupted from me whenever Nick Rhodes did his spoken word bit for “Medazzaland”. I’m especially sorry to the gentleman who was sitting by me in San Diego who asked me to be quiet. I yelled at him, “LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT MOTHERFUCKER!” I am surprised I have never been beaten down at a Duran Duran show (at least on that tour). I also want to apologize to my friend H. for bruising his shoulders when I squeezed them really hard during the spoken word bit (again) in LA.
8. I’m particularly sorry for being the person at shows that sings along really loudly, to the point where others stare. I’m remembering a Tears For Fears show in which I sang “Woman In Chains” at a volume rivaled only by fighter jets. Sorry, dude who stared me down.
9. I apologize for being the shithead who was constantly taking crappy pictures with a crappy camera at every concert I attended in the early to mid-2000’s. I was trying to get a good shot for an earlier blog, and I utterly failed on every count. I only succeeded in being that douchebag who takes pictures and gets in the way.
10. I do NOT apologize for being the person who stands up and dances during concerts, because that is why people go to concerts. Don’t tell me to sit down, why don’t you stand the fuck up instead?
Ah, I do feel better. That was cleansing.